5) Beauty in the Breakdown, Part 1

Originally published on 16 September, 2017

As swimmers dare

to lie face to the sky

and water bears them,

as hawks rest upon air

and air sustains them,

so would l learn to attain

freefall, and float

into Creator Spirit's deep embrace

knowing no effort earns

that all surrounding grace.

~Denise Levertov

Nine years ago today, September 15, 2008, it was official: my condo went on the market and two months later the sale closed, launching me into one of the most challenging experiences of my life - being “homeless,” jobless, and in the middle of a “dark night of the soul.”

Sounds dramatic, huh?

When I found the above poem years ago, I latched onto it as the perfect descriptor for the energies I was feeling during this dark night; the themes of surrender and trust (free-fall) spoke to the leaps of faith and the grace that were opening my awareness to a way to live that made room for love, creativity, play and wisdom. But did I know that then, as I made big decisions and changes.

Previous Andorra’s Box posts outlined how I arrived at a soul-awakening crossroads via a change up in my career, and this one picks up in the middle of the spiritual “sabbatical for the soul” I was experiencing - a period of adjustment characterized by the three inspiring road trips I described in my last post, and the clarity I was looking for when it came to assessing my options for education and career.

My gut instincts and inner guidance system (the inner GPS we all have) had me feeling like I had strayed from my “soul path” and it was time course-correct.

So after weighing things out, taking in counsel from loved ones and some mentors, I made the decision to move "back home." I planned the move with a close friend who was going through a similar life examination, pulling up roots to go be with family. Both of us had aging parents with health issues and we wanted to be nearby.

The decision ignited a rush of energy - it all felt like a really big deal. The prospect of a new beginning dangled in front of me like a golden carrot, but not before taking the steps to set up my life over 4,000 km away.

That was the summer I harnessed all the personal development tools I had to support my thoughts and mood, because I started to feel like I was careening into an abyss of self-sabotage made from poor life choices. I left my job to follow a dream. I left my school because it wasn't the right fit. I was going through a trippy spiritual awakening. I was pretty sure it all had something to do with that mid-life crisis thing.

But deep down I knew something was calling me. All those dreams, the visions, the synchronicities, the whispers. This had something to do with my soul, my inner knowing.

So I prepped my condo to sell, put it on the market, then activated the Law of Attraction to help me achieve my goal of moving with abundance and ease. My friend did the same, as we prayed for things to work out with timing. And things did work out. Within two months, our condos sold for higher than asking price, so we packed up our lives and loaded them into a U-Haul.

Two days before we left, my friend and I took his dog for a walk along Iona Spit to experience our last Pacific coast sunset. It was the night of the full moon in November and there was a quiet peace that descended on us. We didn’t talk much, and I don’t know about him, but as I walked and took in the changing light, I could feel my breath deepening into my belly. My core, my heart was cracking wide open, facing the setting sun and the end of a 13 year long chapter of my life living on the west coast.

I felt grief arriving.

I wailed on the inside.

Totally. Cracked. Open.

Broken.

But there at the mouth of the Fraser River meeting the Straight of Georgia was the setting sun, with the rising full moon in the east shining over the water. It inspired me and helped me remember that even in times of change, some things stay the same.

Iona sun

Iona full moon

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As an avid reader, I have found immense wisdom and understanding about the life journey through study of various spiritual traditions. One of the books that helped bring things into perspective as I rode the waves of change and transformation that came with the next phases of the journey was this one:

Most of us go through hard times in our lives, we experience loss, maybe have serious issues in some aspect of life, we make mistakes, life happens. But it never means we’re broken, even though it can feel that way sometimes. We’re just human, and if you look for the silver lining to any challenge, you'll find light.

I found this out for myself somewhere in the middle of the prairies between Calgary and Medicine Hat, when everything became a light-filled blur - more on that in Part 2.