6) Beauty in the Breakdown, Part 2
Originally published on 26 November, 2017
“The best way to predict your future is to create it.” – Peter Drucker
Dear readers, I started writing this on the eve of my birthday at the start of October when fifty-three years ago, I was getting ready to enter this loud bright crazy beautiful world and would be born looking like, according to my mother, an “angry Eskimo.”
As I laboured to shape words for this next instalment, l welcomed celebrations of my birthday and felt pretty darn good. But then some stuff happened that took my attention, emotions, and motivations elsewhere.
After attending an inspiring workshop called Blossoming Over 50, the #metoo thing happened. Then Gord Downie died (he was 53 just like me) - a big deal for Tragically Hip fans. Then the work I do at a local crystal and metaphysical shop took me into the “Underworld” to hold space for some special souls doing deep transformational work - that meant being ok in the shadow-lands of the psyche.
I was also working with a genius colleague who's helping me brand my business Soul Expressions, and we worked through a process to clarify why I do what I do in life - this required the recall of empowering stories AND the stories of character building challenges.
To top things off, a couple visits to the Art Gallery of Ontario to see the Guillermo Del Toro exhibit reminded me about my early life growing up around books, art, and movies. I felt my inner weirdo re-awaken as I saw collectables I recognized and books that were in our house - I was flooded with memories of my girlhood and family. That’s what you get when you are the somewhat bookish and artsy daughter of two academics.
All tolled, October reminded me about the “emotional and spiritual weight” of my life. Again.
I got so tired of stories about my past, including the one I’m continuing below, and I resisted writing. So I negotiated with myself “Oh well. Maybe November will be better to get back to writing - maybe some live music c/o Arcade Fire and Broken Social Scene and that full Taurus moon can help get my spark back.”
Arcade FireThen on November 11, I remembered an important anniversary - 6 years earlier, I stepped into my “teacher shoes” and ran my first class at a local crystal shop. It was called Embracing Your Authentic Self: A path of transformation through the Akashic Records. (For those into numerology, that was on November 11, 2011, 11-11-11 - a perfect day to launch something new!)
The memory of that day sank-in in a surreal way. It was surreal because I didn’t plan on becoming a spiritual teacher, or open a spiritual counselling practice at the local crystal shop, but that’s what happens when you say “yes” to your soul journey.
Eventually all the weight and heaviness I was feeling earlier shifted to a deep abiding appreciation for how rich I feel at this time of year, as we head towards winter. Perfect to pick my story back up about answering the call of the soul….
A quick re-cap - into my 40’s, life turned upside down as I assessed career and relationship issues while navigating a spiritual awakening and asking “what makes me come alive?” This culminated in choosing to pick up roots, move and re-invent myself. You can read about it in my previous posts.
Have you ever wondered what it must feel like for a caterpillar in its cocoon, dissolving into a pile of goo, reforming, and emerging as a butterfly? I have. Butterflies are THE symbol for transformation and moving from one state of being to another - perfect as a symbol for alchemy and reinvention, and turning the lead in life into gold.
By the time I was headed home to begin the next chapter of my life, I was in a goo-like state, dissolving, and feeling broken as I traveled across Canada at the start of winter. After the first leg of our journey through BC and the Rockies, my friend, his dog Jake, my cat Maggie and I sailed across the Prairies with our lives packed in a Uhaul.
I worked hard to not let my thoughts of brokenness hook me - I had a clean slate of opportunity to set up a life to my liking. I sensed how FREE I was - there on the long ribbon of the Trans Canada highway, with the wheat harvest ready to be picked up, and the open sky full of sun filling up my senses with light, I breathed it all in and felt myself relaxing as my chest expanded.
As I gazed from the passenger side window out over miles and miles of fields, the light cast a mystical glow - it seemed liquid, full of a myriad of colours - my friend’s dog even saw that mystical glow. And soon I was enchanted with feelings of possibility. The thoughts about my situation - i.e., leaving a chapter of life behind for the unknown one ahead - ceased having any influence on how I felt. My breath sank into my belly, and all I wanted to do was fly. Surrendered and calm, I entertained the music in my head - the Tragically Hip’s Wheat Kings drifted through my mind….let’s just see what tomorrow brings…
But by the time we rolled into Regina, winter had set in - it was dark and cold, and the closer we got to home, the realities of life came back. I recoiled into myself, sinking into what felt like a dark depression, and when I arrived back in my hometown and reconnected with family, all I wanted to do was collapse and sleep through the winter. So I kinda did.
Thankfully, I was fortunate enough to have some time to figure out my next steps, and while I did, I was compelled to tend to my desire to reclaim my creativity. I hired a Soul Coach and found a Soul Artist to do some intensive creative work - this ignited a creative healing journey and lots of collage making. I booked a few Akashic Records consultations to gain some empowered perspective and devoted myself to deep self-care, reading Women Who Run with the Wolves and other books (some pictured below). Soon enough I began researching schools that offered holistic psychotherapy certification - I wanted to turn the existential content of my past experiences into something helpful for others, while aligning with a life that felt more authentic, and true to my interests and shifting values.
As I rested and read, winter’s light lengthened and a specific “calling” came into my awareness - my meditations brought visions, and dreams showed that the way forward required a shamanic initiation and a deep surrender to operating one step at a time with eyes focused on opening a unique counselling or coaching practice.
By the time spring rolled around things began falling into place - mentors and teachers showed up and new soul tribe started forming. I got excited as synchronicities helped open a new vision of life. Every decision, every action I took felt like a divinely choreographed step, and the fresh spring air and sunshine fed my body, mind and soul.
Things really made sense after I received the rites of the Munay-Ki and participated in the shamanic ceremonies and processes that shaped the spring and summer of my first year back. By fall, I would be back in school and well on the way to where I am today, offering services as a spiritual director.
That was almost 10 years ago, so as 2017 winds down, I allow for a refinement process to propel my next steps and the rest of the year. It's time to savour the gifts of the past, the lessons, the bounty of blessings that come from being willing to change, and to sink into deep appreciation for all the support that held me through my last reinvention.
Now there are presents to make, time to spend with loved ones, fires to be stoked, and laughs to be had.
See you in December for a final end-of year summary of how to respond to a soul-inspired call to come alive - thanks for reading!
